Where am I headed ???

On the way to work today morning , scenes of my days in bangalore flashed across my mind. It was just out of no where... maybe it has a connection as bangalore was my first work place away from home and i feel almost the same... Bangalore was my time of glory and at the same time the absolute hour of misery... visiting bangalore after a long time , that too alone was indeed a little chilly feeling for me as i ve never stayed away from home alone... somehow i was there and professional life (work , alcohol, smokes & a terrible choice of girlfriend) was all good... in fact i enjoyed every moment working in that organization , exposing the nascent peaks of my ability... just as things were settling in , i ended up in what i called the most shameful episode of life... thanks to my alcohol affinity , i coped up... when i say i coped up , i jus ignored the shit i was in and staggered forward... my period of glory was totally shrouded with one grave mistake i made and i had no choice but to turn a blind eye on it... I can still remember my life style there , being the only employee in my team with an individual house .... parties were innumerable... this house indeed requires a description... during monsoon times , u need to cross three rivers (water overflowing from nearby canals) , no tar roads , surrounded by vacant plots yet to be occupied but covered with green... the only house i every stayed without an air conditioner... never needed one... this is where i panicked while sleeping , the shadows of my jerkin gave me jitters as tho there was someone else at home... even if needed to buy a pack of smokes i have to use my vehicle... most of my shopping is done on the way back from work... daily shopping includes food , liquor , smokes and some chocolates... i learned meager kannada for my survival , ondhu (one) , eradu (two) and kodi (give)... i lived with these few words , all needed to get what u want... two mallu restaurants , iyer brothers and another christian restaurant catered to all my food supplies and drinking companies... there was one liquor shop towards the entrance of my colony , the owner and employees who finally turn out to be my local protection... The beginning of every month would see me buying 1 liter bottles of Royal Challenge (my then favorite drink) , Bacardi (still favorite) or Smirnoff (once in a while)... after 10 days , it would become half bottles , towards the 3rd week its beer and the last week is always credible accounting... sometimes crazy enough to call up restaurants and order bottles of wine along for delivery... my office buddies use to frequent my home for a night out or sometimes groups would land up for a weekend fun... my strict order of no other disease other than liquor and smokes was appreciating i guess as the crowds started growing and for diwali i had over 25 - 30 people blowing up my home... well , this was my time of glory , at a young age of 22... Living a happy and carefree life , I guess i invited too much of whatever forces that would lead to one's downfall... i was too hot headed at work (y wouldnt i , i was the number 1 performer) and slammed my resignation and walked out... it dint take me too long to realize that , "THIS" was going to be the pivot of my life and was the greatest mistake that I would ever record in life... from a world number one company , i ended up in one of the lousiest organizations (claims to be the 1st in somethings tho)...i ended shacking up as a paying guest... i was happy about it tho , coz there would always be someone around rather than being lonely... the worst was yet to come , the other PG's were distilleries when it comes to drinking... and i was in a wreck already... hence forth my daily agenda was provided by the devil himself... day after day of misery... 90 % of my pain was hidden from home , all i said was am not happy with my new job... the number of made up stories to prevent my folks from visiting me would ve got me an oscar...the stupid company had some issues with my bank account and i was penny less for close to 3 months... if i made one gesture to ask money from home , i would ve got back luxury , but then i would be pulled back from my darling bangalore to singara chennai... anyway , finally it ended up that i couldn pay my rents , i sold almost 6 mobile phones , ended up drinking old monk rum which was 30rs a quarter , smoked a filter less cigarette which invoked my smokers cough , evident even till date... a bunch of drunken bachelors under one roof... u can imagine the perilous life of poor neighbors... one night some of my neighbors rushed in with sticks and knives , beat up most of the guys for peeking into their house... well i was spared as i maintained a decent relation with almost every house in that street and i had some people vouch for me... the house was like a war zone with almost every single furniture and show cases damaged... the next day police officers had come in to investigate , the entire neighborhood pointed fingers at every single guy and believe me , i was the only one spared... in fact one of the neighbor's asked me to move into their house instead of staying here... this moment , is one moment i realized that , i should thank heaven for making me broke and half dead... if not , i would ve been the first one to be jumping for everything ... it was this emotional breakdown period that silenced me... tho i always take caution while partying , this period would ve been worse if i was in times of high spirit... one of my neighbors had a son totally an addict and often i ve heard screams and violent noises... the parents are elderly and the son was about 30+... the father used to talk to me often when i cross their house and he used to literally shed tears talking about his son... i can still remember him narrating how his son would threaten him to go buy a bottle of vodka or would attack his mom... once this father rushed up to me and asked me the name of a cigarette brand , i told him i dint know that he smoked... he replied that he never did , he was buying it for his son... i really felt like kicking that son of a b****... one sunday while i was lazing at home , the father ran inside the house and asked my fellow paying guests for me... i came down and i saw him crying madly and said his son is threatening to kill him and his wife... i rushed along with him and saw his son standing in the street with a knife and verbally abusing his mom... well , what should i do now... an addict with a knife , totally intoxicated... i have no idea , i rushed forward and grabbed his knife held hand , luckily 2 more on lookers rushed in and we pinned him to the floor... removed the knife from him , as he got up he abused his mother again in full public view , i don't know y and from where i got this thought , there was a cricket bat lying nearby , i started thrashing this guy with all my might and more people joined him... the mother rushed in and gave her piece of beating , i could see her agony in the way she cursed the guy... finally pulled out the car , took him straight to a rehabilitation center... this period of desolation will further be remembered by me for one major accident... an accident that was waiting to happen... an accident that shattered my belief... normally during parties , i make it point to drive by myself rather than letting someone else do it... but , this time it was another friend's car and he crashed vehemently onto an on coming vehicle at a speed of over 120 km/hr... the shattering experience of the windshield crystals spray across my face still gives me goose bumps... the radiator burst and there is no way of escape... first confrontation with bangalore cops... and believe me , they are not ones you wanna talk to especially after drinking... there was no scene of i know IG , i know CM... i knew no one in that city... anyway , since i had bruises on my face and since we were passengers , the driver/owner of the vehicle was alone booked... every second was like hours... on my journey back to chennai , all i could was try to realize reasons for my downfall , reasons as to why things toppled like within seconds... till date , i am still reasoning within myself... i would never say i understood the reasons fully... every time i visit bangalore , i make it a point to visit the areas of my first home , my paying guest neighbors and few friends whom i can never forget... the father whose son we admitted with the rehab , i visit him every time and i can see a much better smile on his face , i dared ask him about the son... who cares if he recovered or is still in the rehab... that smile was all i needed...

Misquotes...

Almost every person termed successful has left behind trails of quotes... These quotes had immense value when used by right people at the right time... Now a days , I consider these quotes even frailer than the cheap punch dialogues used in tamil movies... Those who cannot complete a conversation without making a sing quote , need to reason as to why they actually do so. I feel its their insecurity in not being able to convince the listener with one's own articulation. Its even more a clearer depiction of one's weakness. The greatest gift that creation has ever bestowed upon the human race is the ability to converse with words in order for each other to understand vividly rather than other species who have common signals of sound for various necessity. We all talk day in and out , but have we ever reasoned as to what we talk and why we talk. Are we really communicating or are we just spilling out words that accumulate in our tummies rather than our senses of reasoning. No matter if you are a man or a woman , while you converse , keep in mind you are responsible for what you say , which means you are in command ... and if u r in command , u need to feel like a king , or even God ... Then why would you need someone else quotes , that were written for some other purpose at some other world of time... even if the quote matches your situation , why use what was already used and discarded many times... If you keep quoting , your listeners are going to start predicting every single sentence you talk to them... which in turn makes you a very boring person in the lot. It is that pinch of surprise , what is it that you are going to fill in next , that unknown articulation that keeps your listeners glued to you ... You needn't be a scientist , an orator or an author to make yourself a good pal amongst your friends. You needn't even be interesting. Your mere silence as a listener would be most appreciated than quoting others and having nothing out of yourself. My policy , Be genuine , be yourself , speak your mind (at the right time) , make others enjoy your presence , do not bug them with something they already know... no one is going to pay you for promoting their quotes... Be natural , be what you were born of and grew into...

Oh Fool !

Would there be any person who has not even a single soul to rely upon... One that lived a life hence would be a criminal or someone who has done something the world detests , but even Hitler has fans... I am shocked at this trivia in my life... I am losing day after day... My professional life is down the drain , my marriage is in the gutters and my last solace was family and friends , now even that has hit the shit hole... Looking back and trying to reason as to why such things are happening , i am forced to conclude that I am responsible for my own actions and that's why i am screwed up as of now... accepting that fact i have mistakes in life was easy for me , but what are the mistakes... I am still drilling my brain to single out souls whom i may have hurt but it sublimes to an extent that i can number each person that i have hurt is out of revenge... why would i avenge unless someone hurts me... i really doubt if there are relations that are meant to go with u to the grave , i am in total doubt about the basic policies this world was bound with... or , am i in the wrong place... now thats one question that pushed me back to my birth... the very fact that my life is totally empty today makes me wonder if i was destined to be born or was it some stupid sprinting sperm that caught the egg... a fact that i dont have any of the qualities from my folks... a fact that i am a rebel in most issues... but then i have had my times of glory when folks really wanted my help or atleast my presence... was it all a hoax... or am i dreaming like the matrix... is it a fuckin plug that keeps creeping up thoughts in my head... are all the praises that my colleagues gave me just an eye wash... i am so confused that i am questioning myself , did i jus fall for vanity... is life telling me that almost all souls that i ve come across are a fake... i am not a fool enough to ignore my own mistakes and push it onto someone's head... i always love to take up my goof ups , clear the air and continue in harmony... but even then , y am i in solitude... i just realized that , i was that simple little word in english , which defines the absolute failure in every day life... "A Fool"... why dint i think was always replaced by why should i think... it was this simple question over question that has brought me to a state where in i thought i was a masterpiece but in reality just a piece of shit... even the thought of trying to be sly makes me go mad , i prefer to be an old school with basic values that were built into me by forces called teachers , parents , friends and others... I prefer to whine about my own disaster out of honesty rather than filthy another persons already filthy life and wait for its consequences for which i was never destined to whine...i can always recollect pieces of my life where in i could atleast make so many people laugh out... so which is better atleast , i am just a fool ... not a cheat , not a murderer , not a womanizer , not a fraud and above all not a bastard... so my life is just goin to be a bag of bones story , with nothing interesting at all , but i am supposed to live it and i will till time permits...

Reflection

the saber within inches towards my heart

the moment lets me know its close

writhing in pain a stab could surpass

feeble , that fear would hide his face

sunken , the highlands may be in shame

lost , even the maps could sulk at me

faithless , the Gods would rinse their hands

coward , the devil would scoff at me

worthless , the blood holds me a burden

if not for a purpose

what was I.

If Only

These damned years ,
Moments precisely shrouded ,
Faintest clues evaded ,
Glories just a sham ,
If Only...

Those elusive sights,
Sounds that deafened,
Steps a failure,
Passions a fancy,
If Only...

Heavenly blood failed,
Human blood failed,
Devil's blood failed,
Divinity Failed,
If Only...

Talents never prevailed,
Devils wand ruled,
Foes most appealed,
Thoughts shunned,
If Only , I was a MAN.

a long wait...

empty cubicle , haunting walls , lazy face book , a job of uncertainty , an empty wallet , tempting cigarettes , sleepy eyes , nothing to look forward.

when the worse is expected , "god sure did work in his usual mysterious way"...

there comes a glow , a radiant glow , a sight my unworthy eyes could withstand no more...

truly the Maker is a master of creation , gliding as adrift , a gesture that made my 32 worthless...

a protrude that made every sight in me all these years sinful...

a decibel that literally silenced every other in my world...

a blissful curve that started making things right...

lengths that made my bald a forbidden no mans land...

if only i could kiss the hand of the Maker... amazed at His exhibition of 2 extreme creations , me and the angel in front of me...

A perfect moment for time to stall... No other moment could parallel...

Enlightenment , is this it...

This is my handmade gift from the Maker , made just for me rest assured.

Made me shun my petty life , revolted me to a Kingsley levitation...

Made cloud 9 cover his face , scoffed at every other best...

Coz the Maker gave me the best , He gave it with Love , to be loved and to love...

and HE named it "*********"

only the worthy can see the name , he he he

Neutral

Those idiots , including me who always were proud of being neutral to many issues and aspects of life , mark my words , u r going no where. Today’s world , compliments to me and my fellow beings , we have all complicated it so much that we have endangered our very existence.

The reason why I chose to go silent was to avoid un wanted instances where we may have to resort to verbal abuse or physical.. But now a days the truth is , there is no use being dormant , one day or the other , each one has to break the shell and come out with his wits. Else someone else is going to dominate you and in a way you can never withstand. Might as well finish off at the first instance.

There is no point in waiting for a chance in the future. Grab it the moment it provides itself to you , else your are a failure. You need your voice and you need your guts to stand up the present situation of absolute chaos , else you will regret the very next moment. Thanks to the present scenario where we have un known miscreants entering our daily lives. We turn subtle so that it wouldn’t affect our personal lives. What we forget and what they also forget is they also have a life , attack it , finish it if necessary.

No more room for showing the other cheek , if u realize u r to sacrifice one cheek , be ready to rip both of his. Else it worthy if u perish away rather than walking this earth in dismay. There is no one today ready to spare a minute of their busy schedule even if u r in your death bed. Time has come where people wait to the last chance to postpone a visit to you until the last moment of excuse.

How , how could things happen in such a complex destination. Simple , for every new human friendly or so called friendly invention , there are rules bound to it , made by a bunch of losers who care nothing about common man. You man have no one else but urselves to worry and think about you. You may have all witnessed a time of absolute solitude.

Where this is going to end , is as simple as your death bead , keep in mind even there you are not set free… The mystery continues …